On Mondays, we regroup

I had such an intensely emotional weekend, something that has been happening rather often lately. The plan was to have an adult weekend comprised solely of boring self-care. You know; dinner for one made with ALL the love in the world, my favorite alcoholic beverage, movies with my feet up… the works. Did I succeed? Well, only for half a minute. And then fomo took over and I found myself fully dressed with my face beat and ready for an adventure. I used to be the most FOMO-free person on the planet. I have no idea when or how that changed…lol.

Anyway, as much as I fell off the wagon on that one day, I had every intention of carrying on with my self care plan the rest of the weekend. And I did. I spent Saturday by the pool -sunbathing and dipping interchangeably. It’s amazing how much a little vitamin D can do for your mood! Throw some cocktails and a book in there and you have yourself a full blown party for one.

Solitude can be difficult if/when you are an escapist. Your instinct says, “Keep going!” “Don’t stop the music!” “Run! Run! Run!” But at some point, all that stuff you keep out by following your instincts starts to leak from places that make them hard to ignore. Your eyes, for example, in the form of tears; your mood; hell even your body in form of random aches and ailments if you let it go so far. Pain sucks. Especially since there’s no quick permanent remedy for it. But you know what? There’s no short cut to recovery. And at some point or other, we’re all forced to deal with the pain that’s trapped inside of us. And it can get really really ugly.

So sit down with your emotions every now and again. Acknowledge them; Try to understand them. And then find a way to release them. It’ll do you a whole world of good.

Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.

What are some of your self care routines?

the more things change…

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Its 2013!!!

Do I have any resolutions this year? Nope! If there’s anything life has taught me over and over again, it’s not to make plans. That is, unless I want everything to happen but whatever it is I wanted. So the next time you wonder why I’m always so cool and collected, now you know. No expectations –that’s the secret. Well, my secret anyway. But you can always employ the bitch better known as denial. That works too. At least for a while.

I must say the year has started out pretty well (that is besides the fact that I’d attended two funerals by the 4th day of the year). I think I finally have this life thing all figured out. The important things, anyway.

Like how music (soul deep to be precise) can be a substitute for junk food and alcohol. (If you’ve heard Maureen Rutabingwa sing, you know exactly what I mean.) And how you can have the same conversation with the people you love over and over again for years and it still won’t get old. Don’t question this. My siblings and I have the same conversation every single time, year in year out. And we still laugh at the same jokes and leave feeling like the conversation just changed our lives. And no, we’re not crazy (not that we’ve been tested).  You can’t choose your relatives (unfortunately) but you can choose your family. The three magic words don’t have a place or time. And they don’t kill either.  Just mean them. And most importantly, you can find love in a hopeless place. Do I honestly believe that? Yep! The most random conversation in the oddest place at a funny hour can change your life forever. And also most importantly (because I can’t decide which is more important), rock bottom is as bad as it gets. It doesn’t sound like consolation but it should be. I mean, think about it; when you’re there, you have nothing else to fear, yes? It can’t get any worse than that (unless of course you choose to wallow in your misery for the rest of your life in which case you can only blame yourself.) And I say this with a huge smile on my face because I’ve seen rock bottom. I even left writing on the wall in bright pink ink saying “Zeri was here” and a footnote saying “Cheer up! Nothing lasts forever.”

Congrats on surviving yet another end of the world folks (for those of you that made it). At this rate, Its almost safe to assume we’re in-freaking-destructible! *high fives self*  That’s not to say you mustn’t avoid boda bodas when you can. Unless you’re Chuck Norris that is, in which case knock yourself out!

xxx

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Desperate times…

Patient people are special. There’s no other way of saying it. I mean I can’t quite understand how someone can sit through the pain-staking ordeal of waiting for something to happen when they can just force it to. Those movie moments when you really want to speak to guy (or girl) X but are pretending to be super-splendid-lady-cool you can’t even pretend to be when all the while you’re barely holding it together right until that moment when they actually call (or don’t in which event you do actually fall apart)? Nah I can’t deal with that. How can a single person have that much power over you? How can you allow, let alone tolerate it? I know for a fact I can’t.

Now I’m not saying mine is the lesser evil. No one evil is less than the other. I’m impatient. I don’t wait. Ever! I don’t know how everyone else does it. I just can’t.  It doesn’t matter who you are or what you have to offer. I. Won’t. Wait. For. You. Yes I might spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been but I guess if really it was meant to be and we’re both still alive, it will, right? And if it doesn’t, there are plenty other fish in the sea. And don’t give me that “she’s special” “he’s one in a million” jazz. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve felt that way about someone, well I’d have three dollars now but that’s not the point. The point is, whoever they are, they aren’t the last special person standing. You might think so now but I assure you, there’s probably a person out there that will make you look back at them and agree that it’s never that serious. In fact, you might even find yourself wondering what you were high on when you thought they were the best thing since mac and cheese. And as someone who’s been there, believe me, there’s no better feeling than that which you feel when you finally overcome a weakness.

I’m actually a little sick at the thought of somebody being my weakness. A thing, an addiction, maybe. But a person? I die a little inside at the thought. I hate the power the people we love have over us; especially if they don’t feel the same way because that often means we’re their puppet and they can tag at our strings whenever they see fit. You have to agree with me when I say that’s just wrong. No one human being, irrespective of how good-looking or how charming, should have all that power? How?

Like I told a friend of mine earlier today, feeling for someone is a choice. We allow ourselves to shower them with affection and attention. We fan the flames of love within ourselves. We can’t blame these people. They didn’t ask us to love them, they didn’t steal our affection. We gave it to them willingly and with it, control over our wellbeing.

I personally feel that when you acknowledge the feelings you have for someone and make the decision to give them the best of you, it should be because you actually feel like they are worthy and not because you expect anything in return. In which case, don’t hold back. Give them the best of you so that if in the end they throw it all back in your face, you’ll know without a doubt that you were wrong and they weren’t worthy because anyone worthy of your affection will not throw the best of you back in your face.

Don’t let your love be defined by someone else. Define your love! Like a wise man once said, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

I don’t know about you guys, but my love is too RICH to have thrown back in my face.Imagelo