In friendship, growth and evolution

We grow. Every single day that we live, we grow in some way or other. It could be significant growth sometimes, other times not so much. But as time shifts, so do we. And it’s so important to let ourselves grow. I’ve used that word so much because over the past couple of days, I’ve had a chance to reflect on what growth means to me and how that meaning has changed over the years. I used to be a rigid person. Anyone who knew me knows that. But anyone who knows me now knows that I’m the furthest thing from rigid. Pretty much anything will fly with me these days, under the right circumstances. My growth has come with the lesson that everything under the sun depends. And with that knowledge has come freedom.

But as with any old habit, sometimes I find myself slipping back. Remains of my former rigidity still rear their big heads sometimes and force me to reflect and regroup.

I’ll let you in on my most recent episode of regression.

Friendship means the world to me. It’s at the very top of the list of priorities for me. I love fiercely. And naturally, that means some measure of protectiveness. But one of the many lessons I’ve picked up along the way, albeit difficult, is that love doesn’t occur in the same form for everyone. And not all love that’s given out will be reciprocated. I must say, this has been a very hard lesson for me. Very very hard. And I’ll admit that I still struggle with it sometimes. I find that the memories, which by the way are supposed to be treasures, hold me hostage. The evolution of friendship and relationships and how they change over time still gets to me. Why do good things change sometimes?

But while I was forced to ponder over that little disturbance for a fraction of a second, I also remembered how much I’ve changed and how different my needs are right now. And then I thought about all the people the universe has sent me over the years, particularly in the post-school period, and how monumental they all are in my life right now. And that made me relax a whole lot and forget about said disturbance.

It’s perfectly okay for each one of us to regroup from time to time. And it shouldn’t have to come with hard feelings.

Have a wonderful week good people!

Zeri xx

Something about 28…

Something about 28…

I turned 28 yesterday. Exciting stuff. I honestly have not been this excited for a new age since 21. I know 21 isn’t that long ago but still, 7 years is a whiiiile. Anyway, you know how you sometimes have that gut feeling in the pit of your tummy that this is going to be a monumental year? That’s how I feel about 28. I feel like it’s one of those years I’ll not forget. To be honest, I have a sneaking feeling this has something to do with the fact that my parents got married and had my sister when my mom was about this age. So in my mind, 28/29 have always been big ages, since before I can even remember.

So here I am. 28. I feel amazing (okay, besides the fact that I’m still coming down from the high of all the love I got yesterday and all the day’s festivities). I’ve spent the last year of my life trying to be more intentional in my life and in my choices. And my 28th birthday really has been evidence of a year well spent. Quality over quantity any day. 28 feels amazing so far 🥂

Traditions were observed, as per usual;

•Champagne breakfast with the family ❤️

•Lunch with someone I love dearly ❤️

•Spa treatment at my favorite spa (Maisha at the Kampala Serena hotel) courtesy of a very good friend (Thank youuuu!)

•And last but certainly not least, an evening of bubbles with my Elizabeth.

I can’t even begin to complain guys. My heart is full.

Cheers to 28! This year will be monumental. 🥂

Zeri.xx

The Honesty Series #1

Over the last few months, I’ve been forced to dig deep into my emotional stores for all that stuff I’d packed away in those boxes labelled “Danger! Never to be opened”. I’ve had some of my most difficult conversations this year and I think I just might be a better person for it.

Earlier this evening, I unpacked the contents of a  particular box whose exact location I thought I’d forgotten. It started with a casual stroll down memory lane, one I didn’t even prompt. Yet before I knew it, we were jogging and then running all the way down the lane. The words were out before I could stop them. And just like that, there my truth was in its full glory! For a minute there, I wanted to take it all back. I thought of every possible way I could take back everything I’d just said. I felt almost naked and exposed. Almost, because there’s one little thing I left out. Perhaps another time, if it ever comes.

Anyway, as I sat there thinking about what I could possibly say to lighten the mood a little bit, my date said something that left me completely dumbfounded. In that moment, it occurred to me that the person I was talking to had no idea what had just happened. I could have said “look, that cow has two heads” and they still wouldn’t have told the difference. A wave of relief washed over me for a moment. But it passed just as quickly when I realised there was something horribly, terribly wrong with that picture.

I vaguely remember uttering a few unintelligible statements about how much I’d give to get rid of my emotions. But I was lying. My momentary lack of emotions is exactly why I was sorting through fossils in the first place.  Who am I without my emotions? Nothing. No one. That’s who.  It’s true that I’m intense. I love and hate so fiercely that even I sometimes worry for the people on the receiving end. “Somehow” has never quite been my style. Not for lack of trying, though. I just always land on the extreme end of the scale. Always.

Anyway, at the end of it all, I packed up my little box and put it on the shelf because now that the cat was out of the bag, there was no need to bury it out in the field anymore. Who knows, maybe one day it will all make sense…

Midnight musings…

And she’s back with a bang… My old friend, insomnia. I can’t remember the last time I was up this late counting sheep with absolutely no trace of sleep. I suppose I’m anxious about something even though I can’t quite put a finger on it yet. I used to love this time; after midnight when everyone has gone to sleep and it’s finally silent enough for thinking, or writing or meditating or whatever else better done in the peace and serenity of after-dark. The fear of the future is real guys! Okay, it’s more the unknown than the future, really. But the fear is real. And no matter how often things sort themselves out as we go along, the fear of what might happen next never ceases. That question “what if something goes wrong?” still lingers… Or is that just me? In a perfect world, I’d have control over all the outcomes that affect me.

Life’s little ironies

I’m sitting in the couch watching my little sister do her homework and I can’t help feeling a little nostalgia for a time when life was so uncomplicated; so simple. It’s hard to imagine that anyone can be so clueless about life’s pressures and the difficult decisions adult life presents you with from time to time. I’m almost jealous, to be honest. What I would give to have no worries, no concerns, no difficult decisions.

My friend Matt referred to this period in my life as an existential crisis. I haven’t a clue where to go from here. I don’t know which way to turn. One way is easy and straightforward but not my first choice. To take that road is to settle, so to speak… The other way is much harder… It’s complicated and uncertain. It’s paved with so much emotional turmoil and anxiety…yet so much joy and happiness all at once. I want to go with the latter, but there are road blocks everywhere I turn.

And my minds wanders back to this innocent ten year old; completely oblivious to the woes of the person who’s right infront of her. We’re sharing jokes as we have our supper… And all I want to do is crawl into my bed.

When I was her age, being my age seemed like the dream. I couldn’t believe that a time would come when I could make my own decisions. What I didn’t know, was that with great privilege comes great, great responsibility.

Yet here I am envying a 10year old that’s struggling with her homework.

Life can be quite strange!

A visit from nostalgia…

It was an old friend’s birthday a few days ago and his girlfriend (all the way at the bottom of Africa, by the way) organised a surprise party for him…with presents and his favourite cake and his favourite drinks and all. I was almost moved to tears when I heard of it. I remembered myself at some point…or rather, a shadow of myself… I was that intense once upon a time. And I hadn’t realised that I missed it…or how much. It’s been a while since I last did something totally selfless. As a matter of fact, I think I spend most of my time avoiding having to interact with anyone at all. Maybe I took this “taking-a-break-from-the-world-to-recharge-my-batteries-because-everyone-around-me-takes-and-takes-but-very-few-know-or-even-remember-to-give” thing too far… Yes, I think that’s it.

The simple things

I had a most interesting conversation with my best friend’s father yesterday which got me thinking about trust [issues] and life in general and the different people we meet every day… And it reminded me of a novel I saw in a book store once about a place where people turned a certain colour depending on their latest indiscretion. What if you could tell (with all certainty) who a person was within 5 or so minutes of meeting them? What if we all wore our stories on our foreheads?

a devil called attention

Ever sat down and thought about the things you do, have done or would do for a little attention? Or how you’ve reacted in the past because you either wanted some, weren’t getting some or were getting a little or a lot? It’s official. Attention has got to be the devil (or a really close relation).
I mean what is it about it that has us so hooked that we do almost everything we do for that little dose every day… That extra like on your status or photo, that extra follow on your blog or twitter, that extra compliment, that extra vote of confidence or approval… And somehow an achievement isn’t really an achievement without that extra attention that comes with it. What makes it so addictive though? Why do we all crave attention so much?

I guess we’ll never really know.

on what drives me

“The greatest tragedy in life is not death but it is life without a purpose.” –Esteri Sekaziga.

What inspires you? It used to be passion for me, once upon a time. I was born a talker. I can go on and on for hours on end and usually I don’t even care if you’re listening. And when it comes to a topic I’m passionate about, I will get you thinking -against your will if I must. All the John Grisham books and Boston legal episodes (and Legally Blonde 1&2) later,I wanted to be a lawyer… That brilliant woman everyone wanted to hire. The power and passion of the legal fraternity inspired me! Until that semester at law school when common law broke my heart. No fancy opening statements, no out-reasoning reason… Just a sky-high list of laws you needed to know (well at least you needed to know where to find them), and a shitty salary (for a while anyway, seeing as no one hires a fresh graduate to get them off death row). It didn’t seem worth it. The law through John Grisham’s words existed only in the land of the free. And there went that dream!

Somewhere along the way, money joined the list of things that motivated me. I was going to be rich enough to buy whatever I set my eyes on. Hello advertising world! It was everything I was born to do, and I didn’t even have to try so hard. The problem was, advertising was a lifestyle. You lived it, you breathed it, you loved it. Don’t get me wrong, every second spent in the advertising world was special, to say the least… But what about loving [a significant other]? What about living [your own life]? What about having the time to do all the things you love to do? Like write (non-work-related pieces) and paint (even though you have no particular talent) and dance (without paying with fatigue) and enjoying your weekends (without worrying about an impromptu meeting or call from a client?).

My purpose in life is to make a difference. In the lives of my family, my significant other, my friends… And those people who’ve got no one to stand up for them, to look out for them. Yes I’m that girl who’ll stand up for you when you least deserve it, because I feel like everyone deserves a second chance. Or, at least, a chance to defend themselves. *Team innocent until proven guilty* I’m driven by honesty and fairness and love and greater good. No one is all bad. People have all kinds of reasons for acting the way they do. And I believe the most profound words ever spoken (besides those recorded in the scriptures) are, “Hurt people hurt people.” It goes a long way in explaining human behaviour.

Human behaviour has always fascinated me! Why people do the things they do. And I’ve finally found a way into the mind of the human being. Yay for child development/child psychology!!! There’s a reason for why we all turn out the way we do, and it all traces back to the beginning.

Really looking forward to psycho-analysing all of you!

Dancing my way through my VERY HECTIC schedule for this week. Have a pleasant week people. I hope your weeks contain only a fraction of my workload and ten times the joy!

xxx