We grow. Every single day that we live, we grow in some way or other. It could be significant growth sometimes, other times not so much. But as time shifts, so do we. And it’s so important to let ourselves grow. I’ve used that word so much because over the past couple of days, I’ve had a chance to reflect on what growth means to me and how that meaning has changed over the years. I used to be a rigid person. Anyone who knew me knows that. But anyone who knows me now knows that I’m the furthest thing from rigid. Pretty much anything will fly with me these days, under the right circumstances. My growth has come with the lesson that everything under the sun depends. And with that knowledge has come freedom.
But as with any old habit, sometimes I find myself slipping back. Remains of my former rigidity still rear their big heads sometimes and force me to reflect and regroup.
I’ll let you in on my most recent episode of regression.
Friendship means the world to me. It’s at the very top of the list of priorities for me. I love fiercely. And naturally, that means some measure of protectiveness. But one of the many lessons I’ve picked up along the way, albeit difficult, is that love doesn’t occur in the same form for everyone. And not all love that’s given out will be reciprocated. I must say, this has been a very hard lesson for me. Very very hard. And I’ll admit that I still struggle with it sometimes. I find that the memories, which by the way are supposed to be treasures, hold me hostage. The evolution of friendship and relationships and how they change over time still gets to me. Why do good things change sometimes?
But while I was forced to ponder over that little disturbance for a fraction of a second, I also remembered how much I’ve changed and how different my needs are right now. And then I thought about all the people the universe has sent me over the years, particularly in the post-school period, and how monumental they all are in my life right now. And that made me relax a whole lot and forget about said disturbance.
It’s perfectly okay for each one of us to regroup from time to time. And it shouldn’t have to come with hard feelings.
Have a wonderful week good people!
Over the last few months, I’ve been forced to dig deep into my emotional stores for all that stuff I’d packed away in those boxes labelled “Danger! Never to be opened”. I’ve had some of my most difficult conversations this year and I think I just might be a better person for it.
Earlier this evening, I unpacked the contents of a particular box whose exact location I thought I’d forgotten. It started with a casual stroll down memory lane, one I didn’t even prompt. Yet before I knew it, we were jogging and then running all the way down the lane. The words were out before I could stop them. And just like that, there my truth was in its full glory! For a minute there, I wanted to take it all back. I thought of every possible way I could take back everything I’d just said. I felt almost naked and exposed. Almost, because there’s one little thing I left out. Perhaps another time, if it ever comes.
Anyway, as I sat there thinking about what I could possibly say to lighten the mood a little bit, my date said something that left me completely dumbfounded. In that moment, it occurred to me that the person I was talking to had no idea what had just happened. I could have said “look, that cow has two heads” and they still wouldn’t have told the difference. A wave of relief washed over me for a moment. But it passed just as quickly when I realised there was something horribly, terribly wrong with that picture.
I vaguely remember uttering a few unintelligible statements about how much I’d give to get rid of my emotions. But I was lying. My momentary lack of emotions is exactly why I was sorting through fossils in the first place. Who am I without my emotions? Nothing. No one. That’s who. It’s true that I’m intense. I love and hate so fiercely that even I sometimes worry for the people on the receiving end. “Somehow” has never quite been my style. Not for lack of trying, though. I just always land on the extreme end of the scale. Always.
Anyway, at the end of it all, I packed up my little box and put it on the shelf because now that the cat was out of the bag, there was no need to bury it out in the field anymore. Who knows, maybe one day it will all make sense…
I talked about you all day today; reminding myself of everything I have loved and will always love about you… My day started out really shitty but the more I talked, the better I felt. I think I forgot how well I knew you…how close we were. I haven’t thought about those things in a while. I laughed and smiled and cried all in the duration of that conversation. I’m surprised I didn’t give myself away. Or maybe I did. She just listened and asked questions and let me talk about the love of my life until I’d finally told her everything I knew and loved about you. I can’t believe I did that. My mother has a way of making me talk without saying a word. Bless her.
I woke up feeling like sugar (not). But I feel better now.
I love you always.