In friendship, growth and evolution

We grow. Every single day that we live, we grow in some way or other. It could be significant growth sometimes, other times not so much. But as time shifts, so do we. And it’s so important to let ourselves grow. I’ve used that word so much because over the past couple of days, I’ve had a chance to reflect on what growth means to me and how that meaning has changed over the years. I used to be a rigid person. Anyone who knew me knows that. But anyone who knows me now knows that I’m the furthest thing from rigid. Pretty much anything will fly with me these days, under the right circumstances. My growth has come with the lesson that everything under the sun depends. And with that knowledge has come freedom.

But as with any old habit, sometimes I find myself slipping back. Remains of my former rigidity still rear their big heads sometimes and force me to reflect and regroup.

I’ll let you in on my most recent episode of regression.

Friendship means the world to me. It’s at the very top of the list of priorities for me. I love fiercely. And naturally, that means some measure of protectiveness. But one of the many lessons I’ve picked up along the way, albeit difficult, is that love doesn’t occur in the same form for everyone. And not all love that’s given out will be reciprocated. I must say, this has been a very hard lesson for me. Very very hard. And I’ll admit that I still struggle with it sometimes. I find that the memories, which by the way are supposed to be treasures, hold me hostage. The evolution of friendship and relationships and how they change over time still gets to me. Why do good things change sometimes?

But while I was forced to ponder over that little disturbance for a fraction of a second, I also remembered how much I’ve changed and how different my needs are right now. And then I thought about all the people the universe has sent me over the years, particularly in the post-school period, and how monumental they all are in my life right now. And that made me relax a whole lot and forget about said disturbance.

It’s perfectly okay for each one of us to regroup from time to time. And it shouldn’t have to come with hard feelings.

Have a wonderful week good people!

Zeri xx

Midnight musings.

About a day or two ago, Liz shared a little note about directness and the role it plays in our lives, our relationships and our daily interactions and it got me thinking quite a bit.  Call it a virtual slap in the face, if you may. I used to be the most direct person on the planet.  Okay, maybe not, but really really direct anyway. Many of my friends can attest to that. But somewhere along the way, conversations got shorter, time more limited and life more complicated.

 As we go along, it becomes increasingly hard to say what we mean in 5 minutes or in 140 characters  (damn you, Twitter!) And so I’ve found myself postponing one too many conversations that I really should have, mentally promising to remember to have them if a chance of lengthy conversation ever presents itself. And I feel like a lot of my friendships are now a bunch of conversations that haven’t yet happened.

Why is so much demanding for our time these days? You do not realise how important quality time is until you sit down with your friends and instead of catching up (and I mean minute-by-minute since you last saw each other kind of catching up), you both type away at your phones while occasionally  taking a sip of your drinks or taking a bite of your meal. 

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Why do we feel like we’ll die if we don’t get retweeted or if 200 more people do not follow us on social media ?  Why are we living our lives for the approval of others; strangers to whom we’re only as good as the next hot gossip? Why do we strive for their acceptance, all the while unintentionally rendering the ones who actually know and love us for what we really are when the internet is off the opportunity cost?  Why are we like this?

We are a suffering generation, you and I, and the sooner we realise this, the better. We’ve been infected by the illusions of the internet, which will  sooner or later morph into disillusionment because let’s face it, how much of that is real? Sure, we have many many virtual likes but how is that helping our lives?  How does it make me better? How does it make you better?

We need to think long and hard about this trend we’re developing and whether it’s really worth it.  Because one day, we’re all going to wake up and we’ll be all alone. You are more than what you tweet/snap/gram etc. Never forget that. Go out there and BE more.

Feelings Friday

Grey’s Anatomy is one of those shows I jumped on really really late and there’s been no looking back for me since. I binged on the first eleven seasons —watching one episode after the next every day until I was through. No other television series has gripped me (emotionally) quite as much as Grey’s has. I hope to God it never ends!

The concept of love and friendship as displayed by every single character makes me feel a certain way. That’s the sort of love; the sort of friendship that not only saves life, but gives it. Like every last one of us, the characters in Grey’s Anatomy are all dealing with something; struggling, coping, generally fighting the good fight that is life. And it’s always so nice to see that no matter what it is; no matter what happens or how difficult things get, the support system just never breaks. It makes me think of that Internet meme of an old married couple sitting on a bench. They’re clearly mad at each other but even in his anger, the man stretches out his hand to hold an umbrella over his wife’s head so she doesn’t get wet. Because even though he’s angry at her, he still loves her and cares for her wellbeing. It’s just the SWEETEST thing.

Think of what a difference it would make if we all did our best to be that unwavering pillar of love, stability and support in the lives of those we care about.

We all need some of that “no matter what” kind of love.

Happy Endings.

“Come with every wound and every woman you’ve ever loved; every lie you’ve ever told and whatever it is that keeps you up at night. Every mouth you’ve punched in, all the blood you’ve ever tasted. Come with every enemy you’ve ever made and all the family you’ve ever buried and every dirty thing you’ve ever done; every drink that’s burnt your throat and every morning you’ve woken with nothing and no one. Come with all your loss, your regrets, sins, memories, black outs, secrets. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you”

It’s taken me twenty four years to realize that strength is not the absence of vulnerability but rather the ability to be in spite of it. A lot of us spend our lives trying to pretend we have no weak spots. I’m sure many people, like me, would rather everyone believed us to be made of stone; unbreakable, strong, super splendid lady cool we can’t even pretend to be.

I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. In fact, I’m pretty sure none of my friends has EVER seen me cry. Does that mean I don’t cry, though? I wish! In fact I probably cry more than the average 24 year old female. And you know what I wish for every time that I cry? That it were someone’s’ shoulder I was crying on, instead of my pillow; that someone was hugging me instead of my teddy bear.
But the thought of letting someone “see beneath my beautiful” as it were, and then deciding they don’t like it terrifies me so much that it seems so much easier to carry my burdens on my own. So I hold everyone at arm’s distance and let them see only the beautiful.
The fear of rejection is real, apparently, and it holds us back from so much. Because the only thing worse than being hurt, is missing out on the joy of being loved both for who/what you are and who/what you are not. There’s no greater love than the love of a person who knows your good, your bad and your ugly and still thinks you are amazing. And every single person deserves this kind of love. The 1 Corinthians kind of love; the patient, kind, enduring, bears all things, believes all things and never fails kind of love.

Approximately two years ago, I made a promise to myself that no one would ever hurt me again. This decision sprouted from a series of events that happened between 2012 and 2013 which taught me that a lot of people were in your life when things were good but you could only count on a handful when it mattered. I must admit that this was quite a hard pill to swallow at the time. But over time, I learned to adjust my expectations of people. Ok, I lie. The truth is, I just learned not to expect anything from anyone. Which is how come everyone in my life ended up at arm’s distance. I powered through the setbacks and built a shield of armor around myself –a shield I wasn’t letting down for anything in the world.

68b0734182b31402287437f0e729c27cAm I a better person for it? Not even. As painful as disappointment may be, it doesn’t even begin to compare to the void created when you block everything out. Because what they don’t tell you is that when you shut off the hurt and pain, you shut of the joy and happiness too. We don’t get to pick and choose which emotions to feel and which ones not to. When it goes, it all goes. I thought I understood this, at the time. I thought I was okay with not feeling anything. The pain of my last heartbreak was so excruciating that being emotionless seemed like a good deal if it meant I’d never get hurt again.

But that was then. I take it back. I want my heart back. My poem-writing, voicenote-sending, have-a-nice-day-video-making, ranting, nauseatingly lovey-dovey heart back. Because deep down, I never stopped believing.

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Meet Matt, the love of my life! We met a few years ago, two happy teenagers that clicked almost immediately 🙂 We havent been apart for more than a month since we first met and it’s safe to say we’ve been through pretty much everyrhing that matters together! Absolutely everything! There are no filters or fears of not being understood or judged. Matt is acceptance…and love and friendship and understanding and support. I could start a story from the middle and he’ll get it because he knows me. He’s seen me when i didn’t want anyone else to, and loved me anyway. This man right here is my very own box of everything good. Who else badges into my flat at 5am on a Monday morning, exclaiming at how much i look like death with a big fat smile on his face and absolutely no malice in his voice?
So life just ripped my man-of-honor away from me and threw him on the other end of the world… IVY LEAGUE, BABY!!! I can’t be happier for him if i tried… but at the same time, my world feels a little bit emptier than it did this morning 😦

My flag is flying at halfmast this week in honor of my brilliant friend who’s off to bigger, better things!

Forward and upwards, my friend!

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Forever 21

I tturned twenty one (again) last weekend….  i got to reflect on my journey and how far I’ve come. For the first time in several years, i wasnt worried about who remembered and who didn’t, what I got and what I didn’t. It was all about me.That’s progress. I could easily have checked myself into a spa for the weekend ( if I had that kind of money). Instead, I mixed and matched my favourite things (and people) and we had the time of our lives! You can’t go wrong with fine China, food, wine, karaoke and the people you love. So yes, I did have a fabulous weekend!!

It got me thinking about friendship… And how often we neglect the value a little appreciation adds to our friends. Whether we admit it or not, every single one of us wants to be loved; to know that someone out there is looking out for you, loving you, defending you and wishing the very best for you always. I honestly didn’t know how many people felt that way about me until this past week. The presents were exactly what I wanted -down to the last detail -and I didn’t even ask for them. And just when I thought it had passed, My best friend organised a surprise party for me yesterday. I must say, I didn’t see it coming. I found out about it though, so they didn’t get to scream “surprise”!! But it’s the thought that counts. It meant the world to me!!

So this morning I feel blessed and loved and extremely happy. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Xxx
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soundtrack: Lucky (Britney Spears)

Does anyone else feel completely let down when they share something extremely personal with someone and they act like you just said the sky is blue? I do. It actually makes me resent the person a little. Today wasn’t a good day. It’s just one of those years. The “big” one, if I can call it that. Why didn’t anyone tell us that growing up was so freaking complicated? Everything in my life seems to be going really well. So why does salt water from my eyes attack my pillow at night? Somebody make it stooooooop!

Where’s my glass of red?

Dear John…

I met some really amazing people in my post high school years… And today’s post is dedicated to one of those people. The twenties can be quite trying and confusing in the beginning. The transition into adult life…. having to toughen up and deal with big girl problems *insert dramatic sigh*. There was a time when I was lost and not much made sense. I was surrounded by people who were too busy trying to be what they thought everyone wanted them to be to even remember who they really were. So I found myself withdrawing more and more from both the social scene and the virtual one. But somewhere in that mess came my knights in shining armour… Yes that’s knightS. I doubt I’ve ever found people so brilliant, so warm, so unjudging, so kind, so accommodating, so hospitable, so fun, so disciplined, so HOT *stops for breath*. I could actually go on and on about this lot. I admired them, I looked up to them and I actually came to love all of them as the friends I hadn’t made in a while. and then the lines got blurred. To this day, I’m not sure what possessed me to be so candid. But the day I told my friend exactly how incredible I thought he was, was the last time we ever really had a conversation. All those months of friendship came down to that one moment. I think. To be honest, I’m not quite sure what happened… Or what went wrong. All I do know, though, is that I really miss my friend. I miss his random observations and very expressive 5-in-1 messages…and the random figures he attached to everything (eg. 537hours and 15seconds) *sniff sniff*
I don’t think I’ll ever stop wondering what happened. I keep thinking maybe I did something that totally slipped my mind…..

😦

as seen from out here…

Sometimes we spend so long and so much trying to keep people out. To keep them from knowing that we’re soft and normal underneath it all… Just ordinary people trying to find somewhere to belong; somebody to identify with, relate to, belong to. We know not everybody should see our buttons but we’re not sure if anybody should at all. We’ve seen what the world is capable of… The world under the guise of a friend, a lover, someone who cares… And we like to think we’re above it all; to believe we see past the deceitful lies and pretentious smiles… And we don’t even realise that in the end, we’re the ones on the outside looking in… That we’ve effected the very outcome we were trying to avoid. Yes we’re safe in our little bubble of solitude. No back-stabbing. No hypocrisy. No drama. But we’re also completely alone. And looking for belonging. Somewhere. Something. Someone.