You feel yourself searching the crowds, assessing them. You’re looking for something. You don’t understand why because the something you’re looking for is right next to you. Yet you still search. For satisfaction. For the calming assurance that there’s another just like it. That it isn’t a priceless antique; a one-of-a-kind. Each search leads to a more frantic desperate other as you realise once again that it might indeed be a special edition. That there really isn’t anything like it anywhere. That letting it go would be a loss… Of the most beautiful, most rare, most oddly-put-together masterpiece. Your masterpiece. You pick up the pace as you desperately increase the parameters of your search. You don’t want to lose your masterpiece. But you’re so afraid of how much you want it; unashamed and sacrificial, that you’d sooner settle for a second-rate version than forever live in fear of losing your precious masterpiece. You quiver at the thought of it belonging to someone else; of someone holding and loving it like you do. And your mind breaks out in a frenzy of wishful “if only’s”…..
I said three little words that set me free. I got tired of running, of hiding-pretending I didn’t when I did. So I said it. I realised it never really mattered what they said in return. It never had. I’d fought, hadn’t I? Tried not to feel the way that I felt… Well it didn’t work so I stopped running. That’s right; I said it! What? Should I turn around and apologise for thinking they’re worth my love and more? No never! I won’t apologise. Let them deal with it. Let them take those feelings I’ve been fighting for months and see if they have any luck with them. And if they find no use for them then by all means let them discard them coz I have no use for them either.
“Today we celebrate all the good things you have found in each other, a best friend, a lover, a teacher, a playmate and a true partner in life. Cheers!”
Most of us are acutely aware of our imperfections. We spend a good part of our lives in fear of our flaws. We aren’t sure of how those around us will react to the news that we aren’t perfect; afraid they might judge us. Sadly, this prevents us from knowing if we are loveable despite our flaws and yet, though sometimes on a subconscious level, we always wonder. We worry they might pop up unannounced and sabotage us. But in trying to hide our flaws, we lose our TRUE selves; become bland and colourless.
So ask yourself what it is someone will find out if they really got to know you and what facts or feelings about you are so distasteful or alienating. Chances are, these things are grossly exaggerated in your mind and someone else won’t find them half-bad. It takes courage to risk showing your true self to others but doing so frees you from your fears. Don’t get me wrong, not everyone deserves to know the real you. But being ‘too guarded’ often sets in motion a process of estrangement and ultimate rejection –the very calamities you want so desperately to avoid. Truth is, deeply caring for someone enough to show them our true selves; the side of us no one ever gets to see DOES mean running the risk of rejection, abandonment or loss. Question is, do we have the courage to run those risks? The barriers we put up block what we need most; the acceptance and trust that accompany that intimacy we share with those closest to us. Believe it or not, the ‘rough edges’ created by being yourself are the real adhesive to a close relationship. You’ll be surprised to learn that there are people who know the worst of you but love you not despite your flaws but because of them. Those are your true friends; the ones you know will be with you forever!
So this is a toast to the amazing people that know the core of my WEIRDNESS but wouldn’t trade me for sanity if you paid them!!! I love you!