We grow. Every single day that we live, we grow in some way or other. It could be significant growth sometimes, other times not so much. But as time shifts, so do we. And it’s so important to let ourselves grow. I’ve used that word so much because over the past couple of days, I’ve had a chance to reflect on what growth means to me and how that meaning has changed over the years. I used to be a rigid person. Anyone who knew me knows that. But anyone who knows me now knows that I’m the furthest thing from rigid. Pretty much anything will fly with me these days, under the right circumstances. My growth has come with the lesson that everything under the sun depends. And with that knowledge has come freedom.
But as with any old habit, sometimes I find myself slipping back. Remains of my former rigidity still rear their big heads sometimes and force me to reflect and regroup.
I’ll let you in on my most recent episode of regression.
Friendship means the world to me. It’s at the very top of the list of priorities for me. I love fiercely. And naturally, that means some measure of protectiveness. But one of the many lessons I’ve picked up along the way, albeit difficult, is that love doesn’t occur in the same form for everyone. And not all love that’s given out will be reciprocated. I must say, this has been a very hard lesson for me. Very very hard. And I’ll admit that I still struggle with it sometimes. I find that the memories, which by the way are supposed to be treasures, hold me hostage. The evolution of friendship and relationships and how they change over time still gets to me. Why do good things change sometimes?
But while I was forced to ponder over that little disturbance for a fraction of a second, I also remembered how much I’ve changed and how different my needs are right now. And then I thought about all the people the universe has sent me over the years, particularly in the post-school period, and how monumental they all are in my life right now. And that made me relax a whole lot and forget about said disturbance.
It’s perfectly okay for each one of us to regroup from time to time. And it shouldn’t have to come with hard feelings.
Have a wonderful week good people!
Guys, I stepped on a scale today and I was five kilograms heavier than I was the last time I checked; about 2 or 3 weeks before. It’s the heaviest I’ve weighed all year, so you can imagine how unpleasant i thought I’d feel. But you know what went through my mind? It’s just 5 kilos. Now if you know me, you know how much I love food. And if you know me especially well, then you know how hard it is to fit me and exercise in the same equation. We’re like oil and water… we love to try but it just doesn’t work out (pun intended). So as I’m writing this, I’m smiling to myself thinking about the progress I’ve made in terms of food freedom these past months. A little while ago, I’d be dying at the knowledge that I’ve gained 5 kilos. I’m not kidding; I’d be in a serious bout of depression which comes with the worst episodes of binge eating you can imagine. But you know what I thought this time? I really have been over doing the luxurious breakfasts these last few weeks since self employment. I kid you not… Chocolate croissants, large beef samosas, sausages, coffee (with full cream milk)… the works! And when I get home from a long day at work, the only thing that will pick me up is a good old KFC meal. I really can’t be helped! This has been my life for about two months now, my cheeks are proof of it. So actually, 5 kilos isn’t too bad at all considering my lazy ass does no exercise at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not excusing my laziness. Far from it, actually. The number on that scale has forced me to sit down and REALLY think about what I can do (laziness considered) to be even just a little bit less sedentary. And I’ve decided to walk to work a few days a week. Now I do not know how long I’ll keep this up for, but we have to start somewhere. So when you see me, remember to ask, “Did you walk to work this week?”
I need to be held accountable. We all know there’s a whole lot of sexy hiding behind all those pizzas I can’t stop eating. In fact, I’m not sure you guys are ready for my not-lazy body.
So feel free to send me “ Did you walk to work?” text messages tomorrow. I promise I’ll be nice 😬
And in the meantime, for those who didn’t get my last memo, do not, and I repeat; DO NOT touch my cheeks!
Love and light to you all ❤️
I had such an intensely emotional weekend, something that has been happening rather often lately. The plan was to have an adult weekend comprised solely of boring self-care. You know; dinner for one made with ALL the love in the world, my favorite alcoholic beverage, movies with my feet up… the works. Did I succeed? Well, only for half a minute. And then fomo took over and I found myself fully dressed with my face beat and ready for an adventure. I used to be the most FOMO-free person on the planet. I have no idea when or how that changed…lol.
Anyway, as much as I fell off the wagon on that one day, I had every intention of carrying on with my self care plan the rest of the weekend. And I did. I spent Saturday by the pool -sunbathing and dipping interchangeably. It’s amazing how much a little vitamin D can do for your mood! Throw some cocktails and a book in there and you have yourself a full blown party for one.
Solitude can be difficult if/when you are an escapist. Your instinct says, “Keep going!” “Don’t stop the music!” “Run! Run! Run!” But at some point, all that stuff you keep out by following your instincts starts to leak from places that make them hard to ignore. Your eyes, for example, in the form of tears; your mood; hell even your body in form of random aches and ailments if you let it go so far. Pain sucks. Especially since there’s no quick permanent remedy for it. But you know what? There’s no short cut to recovery. And at some point or other, we’re all forced to deal with the pain that’s trapped inside of us. And it can get really really ugly.
So sit down with your emotions every now and again. Acknowledge them; Try to understand them. And then find a way to release them. It’ll do you a whole world of good.
Thanks for coming to my TEDtalk.
What are some of your self care routines?
You are not weak for wearing your heart on your sleeve. It takes unbelievable strength to stand up on that podium, look the world in the face and say “I’m not okay”. We all burden ourselves way too much (In my opinion) with feigned strength and what good does it do in the end? None. Absolutely none. We carry our wounded souls back to our beds at night time and wish someone understood. But sometimes we’ve faked it for so long that we don’t even know how to help ourselves. And what good does that do to anyone?
Emotions aren’t something we should be ashamed of. Feeling; not being okay? That’s every body’s truth at some point or other. Sometimes your entire circle of friends might not be well. Yet how do we know, and more importantly, how do we help if we aren’t talking about it? We need to break this unhealthy cycle before it breaks us.
Not everyone deserves your truth, I get that. But you deserve to be heard and understood. So find people you trust and let that sh** out. I recently started keeping track of the things that make me feel better when I’m in a slump and sharing some of these seemingly useless [to other people] things and what they mean to me and my wellness with my closest and dearest. I can’t stress how important self awareness is. For example, sometimes I really need alone time to recharge when I feel drained. Or sometimes, I will not go to something because it’s going to take way too much strength to get through it. Sometimes you really need to take a few steps back to take care of yourself, and that’s okay. It should be anyway.
I’ve made it my mission to educate as many people as I can about emotional and mental wellness because we really do not stress it enough. Only God knows how many people have been on the receiving end of my wellness speeches. And that’s not about to stop anytime soon.
Take care of yourselves!
Love, Zeri xx
Do you sometimes wish there was a manual for reactions and feelings? I feel like I’m always losing in this department! I hold on too long (to feelings, that is), even when I can’t clearly remember what it was that made me feel that way in the first place. It makes everything that much harder. Can you imagine how hard it must be to try and let go of a feeling, not remembering why you felt that way in the first place. I feel like it has made me volatile and somewhat fragile. Imagine that… Me being easy to break… (And I’m supposed to be the steel princess. Apparently. )
I can barely recognize myself now. And I don’t like it. Resentment is slowly but surely becoming me. I think I finally understand why they say harbouring resentment is like holding hot coal in the palm of your hand and hoping the other person gets burnt. In other words, it’s self-defeating and serves no purpose.
Some of these conversations might be difficult to have, but it’s always better to deal with things in the present in a long run. Bitterness doesn’t look good on anyone.
I set a chain reaction in motion with one of the posts I wrote a little while ago. At some point, I considered not blogging anymore or maybe starting a new blog altogether. But when I thought about it, I realized a few things…
1) I started this blog as an outlet. There are a lot of things I choose not to talk about in my real life; sometimes because they aren’t necessary, or because I do not get the opportunity, or because there’s never enough time and to say it in short/summary would leave too much room for misunderstanding or simply because I can’t find the right words. But when I come here, I can say what I want in whatever form or language and the readers will simply enjoy the post (or not) without attempting to dissect me or connect the dots or read between the lines. So blogging is both liberating and therapeutic.
2) Sometimes, writing, like everything else, will get misinterpreted. It doesn’t mean you stop writing.
It’s been a long, long week… But this too shall pass.
The sun will come out tomorrow….. *Annie voice*