On some mornings, you wake up completely paralysed on the inside. It feels like you’re lying under a pile of huge rocks and there isn’t much you can do about it. That’s the kind of morning-turned-day I’m having.
I rolled out of bed (literally) and stood in the shower for about 30 minutes doing nothing. There’s something very soothing about hot water running over your body; especially in the morning.
Anyway, after the shower, I sat on my bed and opened my instagram notifications. And both my siblings had posted about my father, and how it’s been two months since we buried him. He was lifting one of my baby nieces in the picture. He looked so happy. And then I involuntarily started thinking about him, not the wisest thing to do before a work day, but I couldn’t help it.
Anyway, I’ve been experiencing a myriad of emotions since November. To begin with, I was struck with terrible anxiety; the kind that kept me awake for over a month and killed my appetite for everything except KFC (because fried chicken cures everything). Over time, that anxiety morphed into numbness. I think this has something to do with the fact that I had to go back to work which meant feigning some sort of strength lest you totally break down. In any case, there’s only so long most people can tolerate basket cases for. It’s been 2 months for crying out loud, are you seriously still crying?
And then there was the guilt. Guilt I was eventually made to realise was unwarranted. I could have gotten to the hospital sooner. I could have been the last person he saw before he closed his eyes. Instead, I was fast asleep because the doctors saw no need to let us know he was in critical condition. And when they eventually decided to move him to ICU, I didn’t get there fast enough. I was a few minutes too late. On the one hand, I know i said goodbye. I hugged and kissed him the last time i saw him four days before he died and that’s extremely comforting. I’ve always been so big on goodbye. I’m the kind of person who’ll reach the top of the road and then turn back because I didn’t say goodbye. Thank God for that.
I dream about that morning many times a week, and each time, the outcome is different; he doesn’t die, he bounces back like he always did in the past.
Some days are worse than others when you’re dealing with grief. And on those days, it’s best to allow it. Today is one of those days. And I’ve allowed it.
The Cape Town sun graced us with its presence today. You know what that means… that’s right; tiny clothes and flashy sunglasses (emphasis on the tiny clothes (lol). I keep telling my friends my hot pants have magic but they still don’t believe me! Seriously, something out-of-the-ordinary happens every time I wear those babies. Must be something to do with the African curves my mama blessed me with (humble brag).
So I was having the worst afternoon ever! I’d been planning this surprise for a friend this week and today, just as I was picking up the cake from the bakery, they decided they wanted to have a boys-only celebration. I can’t even explain how hurt/furious I was. Especially since they knew exactly how much thought I’d put into the whole thing. I was so upset that I couldn’t even see straight. And I’m not exaggerating.
So there I am, sitting on one of those benches at the mall (right outside a bank) that loners or idlers usually sit at while they watch life pass them by, furiously typing away on my blackberry, trying to cool off when this impeccably dressed, beautiful 30-something white guy walks up to me and says “You made me realise I just might have forgotten my phone in the bank.” I laughed; mostly because that was the most original pick up line I’d ever heard. I told him to check his pockets and quickly got back to molesting the buttons on my phone, just in case he’d only spoken to me because he’d caught me staring at him. I saw him busy himself for a while before I realised he wasn’t doing much. That’s when it hit me that he just might have been thinking of a way to approach me. I chuckled at the thought, though. I mean this is South Africa. White guys don’t randomly walk up to black girls because they look nice. Racism here is still quite a big thing. You’d sooner find a gay couple than an inter-racial one. That’s how bad it is. But before I could finish my thought, Mr Beautiful actually came and took a seat next to me. I ignored him naturally; I was in no mood to be picked up. But his opening line totally blew me away. “Would dinner in Camps Bay change that frown into a smile? It’s a sin to frown on Friday, you know?” How could I not smile? We actually had quite an interesting conversation (FOR THREE HOURS). If you know me, you know it takes an especially interesting person to keep me engaged in a conversation for that long. And yet this random hottie managed to.
I was impressed. Not so much intrigued, though, considering he gave me his entire bio, life story, future plans etc in the short time we spent talking. The only thing I didn’t know about him by the time we parted ways was his salary but judging from his job, car etc, I could almost guess. And I have to admit, the guy was impressive. But I turned down his dinner invitation anyway. In fact I even rejected his offer to drive me home in his flashy BMW *insert BBM cool smiley*. He did manage to turn my frown into a smile though and when I finally saw the birthday boy (yes I called him to come and pick up the cake. Seeing it was going to make me mad all over again!), I was calm and collected.
The bad news, he’s officially ruined birthdays for the rest of you. No more surprises from my end; EVER!
The countdown to summer has OFFICIALLY began *happy dance*.