Happy Endings.

“Come with every wound and every woman you’ve ever loved; every lie you’ve ever told and whatever it is that keeps you up at night. Every mouth you’ve punched in, all the blood you’ve ever tasted. Come with every enemy you’ve ever made and all the family you’ve ever buried and every dirty thing you’ve ever done; every drink that’s burnt your throat and every morning you’ve woken with nothing and no one. Come with all your loss, your regrets, sins, memories, black outs, secrets. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than you”

It’s taken me twenty four years to realize that strength is not the absence of vulnerability but rather the ability to be in spite of it. A lot of us spend our lives trying to pretend we have no weak spots. I’m sure many people, like me, would rather everyone believed us to be made of stone; unbreakable, strong, super splendid lady cool we can’t even pretend to be.

I’ve been that way for as long as I can remember. In fact, I’m pretty sure none of my friends has EVER seen me cry. Does that mean I don’t cry, though? I wish! In fact I probably cry more than the average 24 year old female. And you know what I wish for every time that I cry? That it were someone’s’ shoulder I was crying on, instead of my pillow; that someone was hugging me instead of my teddy bear.
But the thought of letting someone “see beneath my beautiful” as it were, and then deciding they don’t like it terrifies me so much that it seems so much easier to carry my burdens on my own. So I hold everyone at arm’s distance and let them see only the beautiful.
The fear of rejection is real, apparently, and it holds us back from so much. Because the only thing worse than being hurt, is missing out on the joy of being loved both for who/what you are and who/what you are not. There’s no greater love than the love of a person who knows your good, your bad and your ugly and still thinks you are amazing. And every single person deserves this kind of love. The 1 Corinthians kind of love; the patient, kind, enduring, bears all things, believes all things and never fails kind of love.

Approximately two years ago, I made a promise to myself that no one would ever hurt me again. This decision sprouted from a series of events that happened between 2012 and 2013 which taught me that a lot of people were in your life when things were good but you could only count on a handful when it mattered. I must admit that this was quite a hard pill to swallow at the time. But over time, I learned to adjust my expectations of people. Ok, I lie. The truth is, I just learned not to expect anything from anyone. Which is how come everyone in my life ended up at arm’s distance. I powered through the setbacks and built a shield of armor around myself –a shield I wasn’t letting down for anything in the world.

68b0734182b31402287437f0e729c27cAm I a better person for it? Not even. As painful as disappointment may be, it doesn’t even begin to compare to the void created when you block everything out. Because what they don’t tell you is that when you shut off the hurt and pain, you shut of the joy and happiness too. We don’t get to pick and choose which emotions to feel and which ones not to. When it goes, it all goes. I thought I understood this, at the time. I thought I was okay with not feeling anything. The pain of my last heartbreak was so excruciating that being emotionless seemed like a good deal if it meant I’d never get hurt again.

But that was then. I take it back. I want my heart back. My poem-writing, voicenote-sending, have-a-nice-day-video-making, ranting, nauseatingly lovey-dovey heart back. Because deep down, I never stopped believing.


JUST a little more hope lost

I lost a fraction of the little hope I had in humanity today. What’s wrong with the world? What happened to honour and empathy and chivalry? What happened to giving a rat’s behind about the plight of your neighbour, your neighbour’s neighbour and all their relatives? Where is that little part of us that cares what anyone other than ourselves is going through?

Show me a person who still cares and I’ll point you in the direction of a very fancy museum where they should be kept and labelled “very precious extinct species”.

My heart broke a little bit today when I heard news that the one couple I’d grown to admire and respect over a ten year period broke up. Just like that, it was all over. It got me thinking about how I’d feel if the love of my life walked away from me without a second glance after ten years. Betrayal wouldn’t even cut it. I mean, do you learn to trust again? Do you get over it? Shouldn’t there be a point past which can be referred to as the “no-return zone”. If someone throws ten years of your life back in your face, how do you do it again? What does it take these days? Twenty? Or is it a never-ending abyss of not knowing? If it were happening to me, I’d call it a wrap. I don’t see how I’d ever be able to do it again. So my empathetic self is here co-miserating with the heartbroken love birds…

O Empathy, come back to us! Humanity is LOST without you.

hearts and other perishables

Using other people because you have to be happy. As if you’re the only one who deserves to be happy. As if other people have no feelings. Nonsense! “Hurt people hurt people”, they say. But do they have to? It’s not a rite of passage, you know. We can choose to rise above it. But many a time, selfishness won’t let us. We convince ourselves that we have every right to inflict the harm that came to us on someone else. But how is that fair? How do people justify this kind of thing? The innocent certainly don’t deserve it. If you’re so angry, take it out on whichever loser hurt you in the first place. Or better yet, take up a taekwondo class and have an equally angry taekwondo club member beat the sh** out of you. Maybe then you’ll learn not to inflict pain on the innocent. Yes what goes around comes around but in its own time. There’s really no need for people to go around hurting other people because they were hurt. Whatever happened to the healthy “cry until you’re totally dehydrated and then get over it”?

This new breed of cowardice disgusts me! If you’re too hurt to exist in a functional adult relationship then do everyone a favor and stay single until you deal with your issues. Its not fair to damage someone else simply because you’re too selfish and cowardly to deal with the ghosts of your past. We all have issues for pete’s sake. Get over it!Image


How to Love.

“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.”

This is my all-time favourite Bible verse. Every time I read this scripture, I’m reminded of all the wrong places Hollywood points us in under the guise of helping in our pursuit of true love. Not once did Apostle Peter mention romance. Not once did he mention good looks or “chemistry”. Did he forget the most important factors? Or is this all the proof we need that these factors are indeed immaterial?
Today someone asked me why I can’t watch 50 first dates or any other hollywood love story. I told them its coz I think they’re corny which is funny coz I redefine corny. But the truth is, I don’t agree with the hollywood depiction of true love because its everything the 1Corinthians love isn’t. Its impatient, jealous, not always kind, it keeps account of injury, dishonest and leaves before it’s left. It portrays the patient and kind as weaklings in a world where only the fittest survive. It encourages the occasional dishonesty, of course only when necessary but you get to choose when its necessary meaning you can be dishonest pretty much anytime. Its confusing. It leaves me battling with my instincts. I want to give with everything I’ve got. I want to love and trust and hope and protect. But Hollywood says “leave room for doubt”, going further to plant all sorts of possibilities in your mind. The Bible says love “always hopes” but Hollywood says hope means setting yourself up for disappointment. In other words, don’t hope. Afterall, forewarned is fore armed, right? I want to encourage and support. To love and cherish. But Hollywood says I should only give as good as I get. The scripture doesn’t give conditions. It doesn’t say be kind only if they’re kind to you. It simply states the qualities love possesses irrespective of whether or not they are reciprocated. And the most powerful bit “it always hopes, always endures”. That means even when times are tough, even when the other person seems undeserving, the mere fact that you chose them out of a multitude, that you once thought them worthy and deserving should give you the strength to carry on. There are voices left right and centre telling us how to love. Which one will you listen to? Lil Wayne’s?