The goal is to be unafraid when you love.
To turn your shoulder towards the winds and push on.
To be relentless in your pursuit of it.
To be fearless and unafraid.
We are so bold in anger and confrontation and so scared and meek in love. Quick to tell someone off or to give them a piece of your mind. Slow to place your heart in their hands and say, “Take care of this.” Fear is a trigger. I wish love was a trigger. I wish it was what made me tremble and took my breath and made me dizzy. I want to live in the cliché. I want to exist in the love song. Let me be mountain high and river deep. Not tabletop and puddle afraid.
This has to change.
Something has to be done differently. The goal is to be fearless in pursuit of all things you love. To be loud and unapologetic. No more apologies for who you love and how you choose to love them. Fuck that. Love them until you don’t. If they don’t love you back, then cool. Let them live in fear of you and all your neon-colored love. Find someone who will love you just as neon and flashing lights. Leave these beige and understated folks to each other. Let them have this neutral. This safe. This without risks. This comfortable. Let them have these ankles barely wet with it. Give me a drowning. Give me up to my neck in it. Give me a boat and an oar. Let me love an ocean’s worth. Fuck this playing it safe. This afraid to be hurt. We hurt. and we live through it. Fuck fear. Love anyway. Meditate on that.
If I’m afraid you will take this heart and mash it to bits, then I have no business loving you in the first place. And you have no right to it. No reason to exist where I am. If I’m afraid to say it because you’re afraid to hear it. Then what good are we? Useless. Absolutely useless then. Nothing. Two people pretending to do something when all it takes is one move in the right direction.
I pity you if you don’t love me. It means you wish for some tethered, close to the wall, hold on to the railing. I’m not that. I’m no tea party or cotillion ball. I’m juke joint. I’m speakeasy. I’m illegal in most states.
I prefer this.
I want fucking everything. Fuck this settling. Fuck this, “I’ll take this because I can’t get that.” Fuck that. I want that and this. I will get this and that because I worked for it. I had the nerve to live despite the broken. That takes work. So fuck the silence.
Fuck the “I’m not sure.”
Fuck the “give me time.”
Time is given. Take forever. There’s someone else who is standing at the edge waiting. I’m going to look for that guy. He gets it. He gets me. He’s neon and light-filled. And he exists.
I’ve never been easy. I will never be easy. I am a mad woman. I love just as insane. I’m flourish and reckless abandon. I prefer this. Match it or balance it. But don’t fuck with it. Don’t get close enough to touch and the decide you need this to cool down. I don’t do cool. I’m fire. I’m heat. I’m match this or balance it out but get the fuck out of my way if you’re just trying to change it. Love someone and mean it. It’s just that fucking simple. If you don’t love, then leave. If you don’t mean it, then move. Someone will. I promise you that. We all have shit to work on but that shit doesn’t mean we don’t get to be loved right the fuck now.